Still want to sign up? Check out a Sneak Peek about our new infertility e-class! Thanksgiving might suck, but the Christmas holidays will rock!
SIGN UP NOW! E-CLASS STARTS NOVEMBER 30.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Still want to sign up? Check out a Sneak Peek about our new infertility e-class! Thanksgiving might suck, but the Christmas holidays will rock!
SIGN UP NOW! E-CLASS STARTS NOVEMBER 30.
#848 Constipation and the fertility drugs
Constipation + Bloating = Fertility medications.
Reasons why your fertility medications are so awesome!
- Who needs to do number 2 anyways! Sometimes it's nice to just visit the toilet once a month. Your bathroom never smells (because of you) and you always know that you never have to use a public stall to do your business.
- Your toilet will never get plugged (by you, that is).
- You only need to eat a bite of bread before getting full and bloated. Think of all the grocery money you save!
- Fearful a burglar will break into your house? Never fear! You can knock them out with one of your swollen and firm breasts! 'Burglar knocked out by piercing nipple! Full story at 7.'
- You have more acne than a teenager. Popping zits are fun!
- You can play Santa this year with your swollen belly.
- You can give yourself a needle in a public place and not get arrested.
- You have fun gas bubbles to play with in your belly. The neighborhood kids will love it!
- Your drugs side effects tell you that you are allowed to be moody.
- Daily headaches are a great excuse not to clean the house!
Fertility drugs are fun!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
#849 Childless couples not welcome
The childless couple gets all the pity invitations. "It's Jilly's first birthday party on Saturday but I'll understand if you don't want to come." When you do attend the birthday parties, you and your partner sit at the singles table, making awkward small chat with never-been-married Aunt Ruth and the one other potentially infertile couple. Seeing all those babies makes you further depressed and you leave the party, feeling like you're never going to get pregnant. Happy F&^#! first birthday, Melody.Sigh.
You find you either get the pity invitation or you don't get invited to the party at all. The infertile couple doesn't get invited to the Halloween party, the kids Christmas party or the mommy get together held every Thursday. You watch from the bleachers as all your mommy friends take their kids together to the circus, kiddie concerts and the zoo. You aren't invited but you get to hear all about it afterwards and then you are forced to 'enjoy' all those Facebook pictures in an album called "Here are all the parties you weren't invited to."
It's so thoughtful that you were invited to all the pre-baby parties including the baby shower (as a host and guest on several occasions) and the "I'm pregnant and you're not" dinners. Maybe you can return the favor and invite the fertile to your latest IUI party, "My follicles are growing in a test tube" celebration or "I just paid $10,000 for a failed cycle, blowout."
Kids are welcome. Please no gifts, only alcohol.
photo: here
Friday, November 20, 2009
E-CLASS STARTS NOVEMBER 30.SIGN UP NOW!
Ovulation Predictor Kit: $50
Pregnancy Tests: $100
Infertility Therapist: $200
An online fertility class dedicated to telling Aunt Millie where to go during a family dinner: PRICELESS
#850 DON"T BE HOSTILE, CERVICAL MUCUS!
"I HATE YOU, SPERM!
GO AWAY, CERVIX!
LEAVE ME ALONE, UTERUS!"
There is nice, friendly and helpful cervical mucus and then there is its moody teenage rival, hostile cervical mucus. The only bodily liquid of its kind that hates everyone and everything. It's not just mean and angry, this cervical mucus is downright hostile, killing anything that gets in its way. You would much rather have hostile saliva, angry snot or moody urine but no, they are all quite friendly and accommodating. They always do their jobs with grace and enthusiasm. You are just one of the lucky ones who happen to have hostile vaginal discharge. In the past when you had a one night stand, you would say to Mr. What's his name, "Be gentle. It's a hostile environment down there," and your fertility doctor would tell you that "your cervical mucus is quite hostile. He keeps slapping my hand back."
No wonder you can't get pregnant. You have World War 3 vaginal discharge. Kill that sperm. Soldier down. Soldier down.
GO AWAY, CERVIX!
LEAVE ME ALONE, UTERUS!"
There is nice, friendly and helpful cervical mucus and then there is its moody teenage rival, hostile cervical mucus. The only bodily liquid of its kind that hates everyone and everything. It's not just mean and angry, this cervical mucus is downright hostile, killing anything that gets in its way. You would much rather have hostile saliva, angry snot or moody urine but no, they are all quite friendly and accommodating. They always do their jobs with grace and enthusiasm. You are just one of the lucky ones who happen to have hostile vaginal discharge. In the past when you had a one night stand, you would say to Mr. What's his name, "Be gentle. It's a hostile environment down there," and your fertility doctor would tell you that "your cervical mucus is quite hostile. He keeps slapping my hand back."
No wonder you can't get pregnant. You have World War 3 vaginal discharge. Kill that sperm. Soldier down. Soldier down.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
#851 "You will get pregnant. I just know it"
Well-meaning family members like to tell you "it will just happen. You will get pregnant. I just know it."
Fantastic!
Finally, after years and years of trying, someone has the inside scoop! They "just know" that you'll get pregnant. How did they find this out? Did the Fertility Gods tell them? Did your uterus drop by and share the exciting news? Did his semen analysis secretly confess the big announcement? Did the future swing by your parents house and only told your mother? Maybe Michael J. Fox went Back to the Future
and only informed your Great Auntie Annie. It's so great that they "just know" you will get pregnant. You and your partner don't know, your fertility doctor is not so sure and even your fur child seems pretty skeptical. But it's nice to know that someone else is certain you will conceive.
Maybe your uterus told their uterus and then this whole rumor started. Perhaps your biological clock came over and "tocked" about it. Maybe your embryos wrote a note on their bathroom door "Did you know so-and-so is going to get pregnant?"
It's super fantastic they "know." But how do they know and you don't? And if they know, why can't they tell you when?
photo: here
Fantastic!
Finally, after years and years of trying, someone has the inside scoop! They "just know" that you'll get pregnant. How did they find this out? Did the Fertility Gods tell them? Did your uterus drop by and share the exciting news? Did his semen analysis secretly confess the big announcement? Did the future swing by your parents house and only told your mother? Maybe Michael J. Fox went Back to the Future
and only informed your Great Auntie Annie. It's so great that they "just know" you will get pregnant. You and your partner don't know, your fertility doctor is not so sure and even your fur child seems pretty skeptical. But it's nice to know that someone else is certain you will conceive.Maybe your uterus told their uterus and then this whole rumor started. Perhaps your biological clock came over and "tocked" about it. Maybe your embryos wrote a note on their bathroom door "Did you know so-and-so is going to get pregnant?"
It's super fantastic they "know." But how do they know and you don't? And if they know, why can't they tell you when?
photo: here
Monday, November 16, 2009
#852 IVF doesn't happen in one day!
Sallie to Becky, Monday - "I'm doing an IVF cycle this month."
Becky to Sallie, Wednesday - "How was your IVF? Are you pregnant yet?"
As soon as you tell someone you're going through infertility treatments, they seem to ask you if you're pregnant only a few days later. You tell a friend you are doing IVF, they ask you TWO days later how it went and if you're pregnant yet. "Hey friend! IVF takes about a month or longer. It's not just a one day procedure!" You have to take fertility drugs first and wait several weeks before the actual IVF procedure can occur. Hey friend! Sorry to disappoint but if we tell you we're doing IVF this month, don't call the next day and ask how it went! It hasn't happened yet!
Friends (or fertiles) also seem to think that pregnancy works differently for the infertile gal. You always have to explain that you still have to wait two weeks following ovulation before you find out if you're pregnant or not. You do not find out on the spot.
"I had an IUI this morning and guess what? The future pregnancy test already told me I was pregnant, and guess what, I already had the baby. It was a boy."
Becky to Sallie, Wednesday - "How was your IVF? Are you pregnant yet?"
As soon as you tell someone you're going through infertility treatments, they seem to ask you if you're pregnant only a few days later. You tell a friend you are doing IVF, they ask you TWO days later how it went and if you're pregnant yet. "Hey friend! IVF takes about a month or longer. It's not just a one day procedure!" You have to take fertility drugs first and wait several weeks before the actual IVF procedure can occur. Hey friend! Sorry to disappoint but if we tell you we're doing IVF this month, don't call the next day and ask how it went! It hasn't happened yet!
Friends (or fertiles) also seem to think that pregnancy works differently for the infertile gal. You always have to explain that you still have to wait two weeks following ovulation before you find out if you're pregnant or not. You do not find out on the spot.
"I had an IUI this morning and guess what? The future pregnancy test already told me I was pregnant, and guess what, I already had the baby. It was a boy."
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