#808 You are not a jealous infertile

Your friend just had a baby.

You are soooo happy for her even if it only took her one month to get pregnant. You are definitely 90 percent genuinely happy for her and 10 percent envious. After all, she is your BFF, you should feel happy for her.

When you first found out she was pregnant, you cried. Your tears were 99 percent excitement for her and 1 percent tearful jealousy. She tried to break the news gently but you sweetly said "forget about it. I am so genuinely happy for you." Even as her belly grew and you planned her baby shower, you were still soooo happy for her. Maybe 80 percent happiness and 20 percent jealousy. But of course, no one wants to hear that you're jealous, so you just kept that part to yourself. You watched her post her "Bump Alert" photos on Facebook and felt obligated to comment on each photo so you weren't the jealous infertile friend. "OMG, your belly looks sooooo cute!" "Look at how perky your breasts are!" Each time you saw her, you asked the customary "can I touch your belly?" question.

You were so freakin' happy for her. Definitely 70 percent happiness, 20 percent jealousy, 5 percent guilt for feeling envious and 5 percent anger towards her for getting pregnant before you. Baby arrives. You feel genuine excitement and call up everyone to spread the happy news. You don't feel a hint of jealousy. Well. Maybe only 40 percent. But the rest is genuine happiness, you promise.

photo: here

#809 Did you hear the one about the infertile and the chicken?

Infertility is no joking matter. But if it was, these would be the jokes....


How does an RE like his eggs?
Over 20mm!

Why did the RE cross the road?
Because there was an affluent, infertile woman in her 30s on the other side.

Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't ask for directions either!

Two sperm were swimming through a woman's body.
The first said, "Whew. I'm getting tired. Just how far is it to the uterus?"
"The uterus?" the second laughed. "We're not even past the esophagus yet!"

You know you are trying to get pregnant when...Someone asks you today's date and you reply "Day 21" . . .

Why do gypsies have trouble getting pregnant?
They have crystal balls.

How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Screw in a lightbulb! Hmmm . . . do you think it might help? . . .


Clomid, Progesterone and Laughter are the best medicines!

Fertility jokes from here!

#810 Return your negative pregnancy tests to the store

You purchase a lot of pregnancy tests.

You hate the pregnancy test. Sometimes you're excited to take the test but most of the time, you don't know why you bought it in the first place. Pregnancy tests are costly, drive you to depression and 99.9 per cent of the time, the results are negative. You just threw your money down the toilet. Literally. The sad news is that you will probably have to buy them again and again. So what can you do with all those leftover tests? Don't throw them out. Re-use and Return!

1. Return the negative tests to the store claiming that it did not have the desired results. You were not 100% satisfied with the product. Try scratching out the (one) line using an eraser or a marker so the test looks (almost) brand new!
   
2. Use the leftover tests as drum sticks and form a killer rock band called "The Infertile and the Negatives." Then audition for American Idol.
3. Plant the negative tests in a garden planter and try to grow a baby. Two negatives equal a positive, right?
   
4. Draw two lines on every negative stick. Next time a nosy relative asks if you're pregnant, throw the tests at her and scream "Of course I am. Here's the proof, grandma!"
5. Give them out as party favors when attending your next baby shower.
   

See. Those negative pregnancy tests can be fun!


photo: here

#811 I don't want to play "Guess your due date"

Your friend is pregnant. You know because every day she posts pictures of her growing belly on Facebook, and then you spend hours crying during her baby shower.

But do you really have to play the extremely un-fun game of "Guess your Due Date" as well? This 'game' starts when your friend's due date is nearing, and everyone is invited to play. People gleefully play the game, giggling "January 1... No! I'm guessing January 3 instead." You might even play just to show you are a stable infertile and completely not jealous of her pregnancy. But with every good game, there should be a prize. So what do you actually win? I think it's fair to suggest, you should win her baby. Just a joke, of course. You say to her husband with a strange high pitch laugh. You are also a fan of "Guess the name" and "Is it a boy or a girl?" But how about "Guess how much baby weight she's gained?" or "Guess how long it took her to get knocked up?"

Now, they should participate your super fun games too. "Guess when you'll finally conceive" or "Guess how many IUI's you'll have to do before getting pregnant" is always a fan favorite. Correct answers are the years 2011 through 2066 and 6 to 10 IUIs.

#812 Not pregnant but sure getting some!

How much baby making sex can you really have?

If you've actually counted, maybe 14,786 times. For the last few months/years, you've had more baby making sex than a horny teenage boy. And it's not for pleasure. It's timed, purposeful and sometimes over quite quickly. "I don't care if you're not in the mood, honey. It's 6:00am and we are doing it right now!" Sometimes (or most times), you hardly feel like doing it but it's ovulation day and you really have no choice. You do it whether you've just had a fight, whether you feel sick or whether you are at home or in a public place. Doctors orders. You must do it.

"Aunt Millie, save us a place at the dinner table. We'll be downstairs in 20-60 seconds."

Number of times you've had sex in a given year = 14,786
Number of orgasms = 0-3

#813 The infertile birthday wish

It's another birthday and it's time to blow out those candles. But golly gee wiz, what will you wish for? Duh!

It is wildly believed that before you blow your birthday candles out, you need to make a wish and if you don't tell anyone, it will come true. Maybe that's why you aren't pregnant yet because every single person in that room knows what you wished for. Even your two year old nephew knows that you wished for a baby. Close your eye. Deep breath "By my next birthday, I wish to be pregnant or have a baby." Blow out those candles (all 45 of them!). The room is awkward as everyone claps politely, even your uterus applauds. How wonderful! She blew out all those candles but we all know what she wished for. "I bet she wished for a baby," Great Aunt Gertie whispers the obvious.

Oh great. Now, EVERYONE knows what you wished for, so how will it come true? Well maybe you're wrong everyone! Maybe you actually wished for plentiful cervical mucus and for your husband to magically produce good quality semen! Not to worry, according to your fertility doctor you're still very young.

Now, who wants a slice of cake?

photo: here

#814 Please don't give us infertility advice

The infertility advice.

It comes from anyone and everyone from your Great Aunt Mildred ("In my day, I would drink a special tea to get pregnant") to your eyebrow waxing lady ("I got pregnant by getting really drunk"). Did we ask for your advice? It seems that everyone believes they are qualified to hand out infertility advice but somehow it's not reciprocal. Your mommy friend can give you advice on your IVF treatment but you can't give her parenting tips?



MOMMY FRIEND: Little Tommy just won't sleep through the night. We're currently trying the Cryhiseyesout method but nothing seems to be working.
YOU: Have you tried a routine and putting him to bed every night at the same time? (Her look says, why is this childless woman giving me parenting advice?)

YOU: We're going for our fourteenth IVF cycle next month.
MF: I heard putting pillows under your behind after sex will help.
(Your look says, that was so five years ago, lady).

Great news! Everyone is allowed to give you infertility advice and you are not allowed to give out any advice whatsoever. Great. That seems completely fair.


photo: here